Skönhet är en kyss i spöregnet. [entries|friends|calendar] Palmer [ website | The Livejournal... ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[12 Mar 2008|01:28am] Remember: The dark sky, the long, wet grass. The pick axe heavy in my hand. I swung, a small loop against the sky. When you strike a certain rock in this yard, it sparks; its beautiful every time. I miss the rock but at the same moment a firework explodes in the sky, two houses down at most. A glowing, exploding ball of light, with all the brilliant ephemerality of those dandelions I've been picking day after day. It lights up our faces. We hoot, we holler. Mescaline raging through their minds, confused awe through mine. "HOLY FUCK! I made that! I made that!" AND Outdoor stairwell, El Camino College. The bitter cold, the Steve Reich in the headphones. I push my thoughts over the minimalistic pulse, "Truth is beauty, beauty truth. Truth is beauty, beauty truth. Truth is beauty, beauty truth." I still only partially understand it. AND Driving home from long day of hedonism, I find myself admonishing myself out loud for the first time in my life. "Stop being so stubborn about your failure." I don't understand any of this, and I'm not making it any easier. 13 Bears Bear

[12 Mar 2008|01:24am] I'm afraid that I'm forgetting all of the beautiful moments in my life. Is there any point to them if I can't recall them later? I need to start taking pictures. In a year, none of this happened. Bear

Plase, No Rain Driving [24 Jan 2008|12:05am] [ music | adem ] It's been raining. Almost all day today, it came down. First time in a while that I've been bothered by it. I'm sorry, meteorology, I still love you. It's just that driving two hours in pouring rain is terrifying. Let me explain. My plan for today was simple. Wake up. Study for test. Take test. Get high. Watch Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. Drive to West Hollywood to attempt to get medical marijuana card. Everything was going smoothly. Woke up, read the chapter the test was on. I hardly needed to. For one thing, this specific test is on drugs. If there is a running theme in my life the past month or so, I would say it would be drugs. So I have an advantage on that point. Furthermore, this class is the easiest class I taken in years. Including high school. I need to get real in-depth about the class another time. This is not the time. So, rewind. Woke up. Rolled over, grabbed text book, immediately sucked in the drugs chapter. Drove to school. Owned test. I finished the test with about two hours until my next class, so I left campus, got a smoothie, and headed over to The Guys' House (aka Zack, Chris, Charlie, Josh, Sam, etc...). I knew that we were going to be watching Invasion of the Bodysnatchers in History. When I'm presented with the chance to have a great time in history, I pounce. Thus, I got really high before class and was thoroughly entertained by the movie and its ridiculous anti-communistic propaganda. Which brings me to the card. I've decided, and have been prompted by a dealer friend of mine, to obtain a medical marijuana card. Its essentially a laminated piece of security. The great part about living in the state of California is that there are a number of doctors that almost guarantee a "recommendation", which allows anyone deemed in need of medical marijuana to possess it legally and obtain it through "clinics." While I don't suffer from glaucoma or anorexia, I do use herb to self-medicate. A few years ago, I was depressed for a long time. Anyone who read this journal for those years can attest to that. But then, a few years ago, I started smoking. And since then, life has been much lighter, much more manageable. Rather than failing grades and chronic fatigue, I have strong grades, a steady job, and pretty good energy. When I explained all this to my mom about a year ago, she said something along the lines of "Wow, you'd be great for the marijuana infomercial." Because I'm a pretty excellent case of a functioning user. Addict, probably. But that's a whole other bag of marbles. So, like I said. It poured all day. The doctor's office is in West Hollywood, La Cienega and Santa Monica Blvd. In the rain, La Cienega felt like an endless, terrible test of my patience and mental state. For one thing, I was driving to Hollywood by myself, which is pathetic and lonely in itself. Coupled with the terrifying (to me, anyway) act of driving in heavy rain and occasionally mind-numbingly slow traffic, I wasn't feeling all that excited about the whole thing. When I got to the end of the thousand mile journey that is La Cienega, I walked into the building, looking for Suite 110. A diminutive bearded twentysomething was looking for the same place and found it with me. And together, we were told: The doctor is not here today. She's out on emergency leave. I'm sorry. Dammit dammit dammit. So I got to drive for an hour and fifteen back to Manhattan Beach. A grand waste of time, I'd say. Needless to say, I'm going back next week. Anyhow, I just got some studying done for my History midterm tomorrow (waking up tomorrow morning to finish - the only way), smoked a bowl, and watched Russian animation videos on YouTube. I think I have found a new sector of beauty in my life. I have more to talk about but I feel like I've said too much for now. I'll save it for later. I mostly need to talk about love, but that's ground that has been covered in this journal thousands of times, so I'm sure you won't mind me putting it off for a few days. 2 Bears Bear

Trip [19 Jan 2008|01:33am] [ mood | tired ] On Wednesday, my mind expanded and contracted. Grayson prepared mushroom tea for two, and we sipped out hot drinks hesitantly. The taste of the mushrooms brought me back to around a year and a half ago, when I first ate them. That time was part revelation, part disappointment, as euphoria and visual effects led to awful stomach pain and an odd depressive state. This time, though...anything but disappointing. After the mushrooms started to kick in, Max, Grayson, and I went on a walk through Long Beach. As we walked along the sidewalks of the residential streets, the world exploded with color. The houses in the neighborhood are small, mid-century homes with vibrant painted colors - blues, purples, greens. I continuously stopped with a child-like "Oh wow!", to pick the spiky seeds off of a tree, or look at flowers, or marvel at the day-glo luminosity of the houses. I couldn't help but smile the entire time. Once back at the apartment, I settled into a beanbag in Grayson's room and stared at the ceiling for a good twenty minutes, the stucco swirling in baroque, ever-changing patterns, sometimes appearing translucent, allowing me to somehow see beyond. We put on Shpongle, an electronic group who make music specifically for tripping, and Koyanisqaatsi. For a good hour or so, I lay on the beanbag, swaddled in blankets, watching the backs of my eyelids. The imagery was so vibrant I often questioned whether my eyes were truly closed. Figures appeared to be standing above my lying body, sometimes beckoning, sometimes making gruesome faces. Many of them were inexplicably Asian. I puzzled at the thought that I was somehow subconsciously birthing these images, that any image ever seen in my mind's eye is purely the work of my imagination. As the visual effects began to wear off, I opened my eyes and found that, as I stared at Grayson's face, his eyes were mouths, moving with each word he spoke. Didn't bother me at all. So, yeah, I had a good time. A week or so prior, Grayson and I went on an adventure about Long Beach, going to a bookstore, record store, and vegan restaurant. The bookstore was one of those used types brimming with old paperbacks and dust, seemingly unorganized rows upon rows. In the back I found a few boxes inexplicably filled with some stranger's memorabilia from times past - old photos, a standard reply to a letter sent to John F. Kennedy, ancient football programs. Amongst it all, I found a number of pieces of black construction paper, glued to which were old photographs from what seems to be the teens to the 1920s and 30s. I was enamored by enough of these pictures that I bought a handful of them for five bucks. Here are some of my favorites: ( I wish I knew who these people were, or are ) A reminder for things to talk about next time, for it is far too late now to squeeze them in: - John Featherstone - Punishment - Self-image - Addiction - Love Until next time, though, those topics shall remain murky and unexplored. Much love to everyone; comment and let me know you exist. - Palmer 7 Bears Bear

Double love to anyone who reads this in its entirety. [10 Jan 2008|11:13pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | john coltrane - naima ] I've been telling myself to write in here night after night for a number of nights now. I never did. Some sort of fear lingered, unplaceable. I'm afraid of my ability to articulate any sort of meaning in the life I'm living right now. I know the meaning is there, because I see it every day, beautiful, meaningful things that I see and feel everyday and never tell anyone about anymore. I keep them in my head, and smile about them as I stare outside, ignoring a book. My current situation: Living at home. For most of the year it's an uncomfortably different situation than the one I've grown up with, in that I'm living alone with my mom, no sibling around. Dennis is at UCSC, Carly at UCSB, and Joanna at ASU. It's an odd dynamic, with my independence making my relationship with my partly emptying nesting mom limited mostly to greetings and reminders. I don't think about this much though, to be honest. I need to. I'm taking Winter class at El Camino, community college deluxe. Taking the Double-H, History and Health. Two hours each, every day. Not fun. Not very much fun biking there and back, either. Speaking of which, I have been fulfilling my resolution since the first. Dieting, biking to school every day. I'm in pretty awful shape, so the eight miles each day feels overly exhausting sometimes. But I've been delighting in the recent discovery that I feel mildly high about ten minutes after exercise, the endorphins stemming from all the exertion creating a warm, exuberant glow all around my body. Taking classes without friends creates an odd separation within a typical day. From the time I wake up until around four or five, I typically utter less than one full page of words. In this time, I'm essentially living in my head, only speaking when asking questions in class or having friendly, small-talk conversations with classmates whose names I never learn. When the sun goes down, I seek conversation and warmth, so I hang out with friends as soon and as often as possible. And when I do, I often find words flowing out of my mouth, taking the thoughts that have been sitting lonely and bored in my head and giving them some air. But even more than that, it seems, I don't say anything. Sorry, this is rambling. After studying for an hour and a half or so for my midterm tomorrow, I eased myself outside my window (ground floor, no worries) and smoked two bowls with the bong I just bought last night. It's quite a beauty, and hits like a beast. I found myself staring at the backyard and watching the foliage sit still, cracks and thumps calling out weakly. Some part of getting high on the side of my house is always left for profundity, but most of it is just me trying to hack out smoke without alerting my mom or neighbors. Such is life. Anyhow, that's why I'm writing so much. I have more to elaborate but I should save that for another update. That will give me some motivation to write in here more. Because I'm an English major and have to decide whether to go the Literature or Creative Writing route, I need to flex my mind through introspection a little more and remind myself how to put words down with sincerity, minus the topic sentences and theses. Anywho...I love you all. More for later! 7 Bears Bear

I Don't Think, Therefore I'm Not [27 Nov 2007|01:23am] I still exist. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I really just wanted to post that. I'm getting the feeling that some people don't like me. 14 Bears Bear

[17 Oct 2007|10:05pm] I'm still alive. I'm not smoking anymore and I feel vaguely empty. I'm losing weight and strengthening my heart so I can get some love. Need some love. Need it need it. The only class I like is botany. 6 Bears Bear

We Are Co-Existors [17 Aug 2007|03:34am] Ello! Life has been pretty glorious recently. I've all but abandoned my diet at this point (the guilt is awful but I tell myself I will start again with school, or sooner, whenever that is.) I lived at my Dad's house by the beach for about a week or so, which gave me plenty of time to soak up the beach scene...from the privacy of my dad's roof, that is. I'm still to scared to let anyone see me with my shirt off. Here are some pictures I have posed for recently (a few are with bears): Beauty abounds! I thought I would have the patience to say things, but I have found that I do not. Take the pictures and comment! Thoughts will come at another time. Love, Palmer 10 Bears Bear

[01 Aug 2007|04:47pm] I just signed up for classes for Fall semester. MONDAY 8:00-9:00 - English 1C 9:30-10:40 - Math 70 TUESDAY 7:45-9:10 - Psych 9:30-10:40 - Math 70 11:30-12:55 - Botany WEDNESDAY 8:00-9:00 - English 1C 9:30-10:40 - Math 70 THURSDAY 7:45-9:10 - Psych 9:30-10:40 - Math 70 11:30-12:55 - Botany FRIDAY 8:00-8:50 - English 1C 9:00-12:10 - Botany (Lab) I'm actually excited. Anybody else going to El Camino who hasn't signed up for classes yet, get in one of these! I'm all alone. 3 Bears Bear

let's gooooo [31 Jul 2007|11:23pm] Will somebody travel the world with me? 13 Bears Bear

Main Zindagi Ka Saath Nibhata Chala Gaya ("Hum Dono") [31 Jul 2007|12:33am] [ mood | high ] [ music | Pascal (always, always,) ] Hey hej hooray I'm posting again! Last night I went on a night bike with Comy, to be joined by Janie a few minutes later. We roamed the flat suburban streets of North Redondo and through the park. It was the night before full moon (tonight!), so it was bright and lovely through the trees. I apologize if my writing isn's as good as before. I haven't written anything in a long time beyond essays (which are entirely different), so this is like walking on baby legs. Or something. I got a lot of things done today. I woke up at Comy's (my front tire popped so we had a sleep over), brought my bike to the bike shop to get fixed, went to the library to pay my fifty-five dollar fine (15 overdue CDs...whoops), and visited Jared at Von's while buying more Lean Cuisines. Jared 2 came over today and we laid on my bed like lovers and watched videos of midgets on YouTube. We hadn't hung out in a long time and I missed his ridiculousness. After reading a bit of Kafka On The Shore, I biked to school. I like biking to school a lot, surprisingly. The way there is a pretty easy ride, and the wind is in my face and its pleasant. Its interesting getting to know this strip of Manhattan Beach Boulevard really well. My favorite parts are biking through this semi-ghetto alley and smelling all the food being cooked in the various houses, and coasting with the wind in my face all the way to Aviation Blvd. Interesting, wow! Sorry. Jenny and three of her girlfriends came over today and we rode about in the Escape (Hybrid, no less) smoking. As we sat in the car, I got a feeling that was amplified when we went to my Dad's house and five other of my girl friends showed up. I'm completely comfortable hanging out with women without any other guys around, and can have fun with them. But even if I'm with ten girls, I still get the sense that none of them have ever thought for a second that I could be anything other than a friend. Girls who meet me don't approach me like that and neither do the girls I know already. I don't want to complain, its just a strange feeling, and not a very pleasant one. So, I'm going to get an A in Geography. And I've lost twenty pounds. I would go so far as to say life is pretty great right now. I just need to hurry up this weight loss thing. I can't weight. <----My fingers wrote out that pun before my brain realized what had happened. Really. I feel like I've said enough at this point. The rest can only be said by this: Love, Palmer 15 Bears Bear

Won't someone just love me? Like we're living in 1960's Japan, in love? [27 Jul 2007|02:05am] [ mood | naked ] [ music | Pas/Cal (This is all I've been listening to - check them out) ] Okay. I miss this. Life has been really good this summer. I feel awful that I haven't written about the things I've been doing in such a long time. Things change so much that the person that I was when I updated constantly was probably different then the present Palmer. Not in bad ways, I don't think? So what have I been doing? I've been taking a Geography summer course at El Co for the past five weeks, which is going well enough so far. I attempted it the last two semesters but I ended up missing too many classes and dropping it both semesters. That may have been the other me, or the current me. This time I'm getting an A, despite the fact that I've heard all of the teacher's anecdotes. He tells them the exact same way every time, delivering it like a stand-up routine almost. It's interesting when you're hearing it for the first time. I've been dieting recently. I generally just eat Lean Cuisines and bike to school every day (eight miles roundtrip, ouch). I've lost about sixteen pounds so far, no bad. Every night for a month I've laid in bed thinking about what life would be like if I was skinny. Its ridiculous. I've been trying to read more...I honestly stopped when I smoked more than I do now, because I can't pay attention when I'm stoned. But the book I'm reading now, "Norwegian Wood," by Haruki Murakami, is so great, it's making me love reading again. I like this a lot: Midori lifted her face and look at me. "You have this special way with words." "I can feel my heart softening when you say that," I said, smiling. "Say something even nicer." "I really like you, Midori. A lot." "How much is a lot?" "Like a spring bear," I said. "A spring bear?" Midori looked up again. "What's that all about? A spring bear." "You're walking through a field all by yourself one day in spring, and this sweet little bear cub with velvet fur and shiny little eyes comes walking along. And he says to you, "Hi, there, little lady. Want to tumble with me?" So you and the bear cub spend the whole day in each other's arms, tunbling down this clover-covered hill. Nice, huh?" "Yeah. Really nice." "That's how much I like you." And it's translated from Japanese. I really want to say that to someone. Oh, I almost forgot, I made my YouTube debut last week. I'm not particularly proud, and I still hate the way I look, but I think both videos are ridiculous enough that I have to show you them. So keep in mind I was tipsy heading towards drunk. Okay, I'm going to go smoke out my window and stare at the stars. How is everyone? Love, Palmer 12 Bears Bear

RIP THE HOUSE [02 Jul 2007|02:12am] [ mood | sad ] The guys have all moved to new (old) places, and while I still live at home, I'm really feeling homeless. Thanks to Grayson and Max and Chris and Sam for basically crafting the sickest first year of college ever. And thank you House. You were gross but beautiful. 6 Bears Bear

Packing a bowl in a disabled parking space...bad idea. [07 Jun 2007|11:14pm] As I stepped out of the cop car today with my hands handcuffed behind my back, I really wanted to turn to the cop and say "Wow, it's a beautiful day to get a citation" because it totally was. 16 Bears Bear

harooooo [30 Apr 2007|01:08am] [ music | Loney, Dear ] Where did I go??? It's pathetic how bored I feel without substances sometimes. But I'm getting over that, I think. I thinnk I'm going to make a big update soon. Just not now. Does this sound familiar? 7 Bears Bear

[20 Apr 2007|12:36pm] heh. heh. 4 Bears Bear

I will never be loved by any woman [13 Apr 2007|12:54am] [ music | sov gott rose-marie by international harvester ] The worst part is that I felt like I already had her, before she told me she just wants to be friends. :( 13 Bears Bear

Incomplete Sentences [21 Mar 2007|12:16am] [ mood | happy ] I did ecstacy on Saturday. Was brilliant. Don't plan on adding anything else to my list of drugs consumed. Asked Jacquie from Astronomy out on a date in person after wimping out and trying to do it on MySpace. She said yes. Don't know what we're doing. I am ebullient. I don't know if I am ever going to post those polaroids. AAH! Love, Palmer 17 Bears Bear

my heart was beating so fast! [15 Mar 2007|02:28am] [ music | moder jords massiva - "hårt väder" ] I SWEAR I WILL GIVE YOU MORE LATER But for now, here is a sneak peak: ~ Holy shit I think this girl might actually like me ~ I haven't been dieting, fuck, will I always be like this? Is that bad? ~ Smoking = trying to destroy my world while tickling my belly ~ I pretended to be writing for a high school newspaper and interviewed random people (more on THAT for sure) ~I haven't been taking polaroids, so, shit, I haven't been existing this whole time. Love, Palmer 14 Bears Bear

[10 Mar 2007|03:42am] [ mood | good ] [ music | Rubik - City and the Streets ] Aah! On Tuesday I got coffee with the cute girl from my astronomy class who wears scarves. Well, I got hot chocolate. But still, it was great. And then! On Thursday she came over to my house and we smoked in my backyard before going to class. Her name is Jacquie and she's Jewish and Russian and I seem to like her quite a lot. But I really have no idea if she is just looking for a friend or...? Oh, yes, I have started smoking again. But it's good this time. Sorry, polaroids will be posted soonly. I ran out of film about a week ago and thus havent taken any in a while (and thus haven't existed), but I still have many to show you from before I ran out. Yesterday was great! Not only did I hang out with Jacquie, but I set the curve in my Astronomy class, getting a 100%, and then received my test back in Algebra after that and it was a 100% as well. So, yeah, good day. Plus I bought new clothes, about four hundred dollars worth. I hadn't bought clothes in a year and half, honestly because buying clothes feels like submitting to the fact that I'm going to be the size I am now for a long length of time, and that's scary. I decided tonight that Prélude á l'aprés-midi d'un faune by Claude Debussy is the most beautiful and profound piece of music ever written. I don't know how anything can ever be any better. La Mer, maybe, but...not quite. Here, I'm hosting the mp3 online for evidence: Claude Debussy - "Prélude á l'aprés-midi d'un faune" (left click, seriously) I know a lot of people aren't into classical music, but this isn't classical music, really. This is painting. You can only understand that if you hear it. So listen. Oh my god. Gasm. !!!, Palmer 4 Bears Bear

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